Everything and Nothing
by Ira4
Summary: A potential victim makes Nick and Amanda contemplate their relationship and their lives. Rollaro. Final chapter is up.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything that Dick Wolf owns.

This is my Rollaro story, it's kind of my take on how they got together . I hope you like it.

This takes place somewhere in season 16. Nick is back at SVU.

* * *

It's been a rough week.

They've been working on a tough case, and even though every case in SVU was rough, this one got to him.

A young woman was missing for a couple of days, she was found badly beaten, but she was not cooperating. She didn't want to talk to the detectives and every time they tried she would cry and say she was fine. Liv decided they should leave her alone for the time being. But they still investigated. Her boyfriend, who was the one to report her missing, tried to help, told them everything she had said to him, which was almost nothing, and tried to convince her to talk to them. But she was reluctant. They barely had any physical evidence and knew the case was getting cold fast.

Nick wasn't sure what exactly was weighing on him about this case, they've seen worse, but the look on her face got to him. He saw so much fear in her eyes he just knew they had to help her. But how can you help someone who doesn't want it?

Maybe that was it, her unwillingness to accept the help they offered. Even her boyfriend's help, a man who loved her and she loved back, seemed to by something she couldn't accept, but they told him to be there for her.

Maybe it was hard for him not being able to help someone who really needs it. And Nick was the kind of guy who wanted to help. But he failed. He couldn't help Maria with her PTSD, couldn't keep Lewis away from his partner, couldn't help himself when he beat up Wilkes, couldn't keep his daughter close.

He knew he had to let that feeling of failure go, but sometimes he just couldn't. And these were the hard times. Like now, he wanted to help the girl, but couldn't. So he tried to put it behind, told himself they will be here when she changes her mind.

He got help with thinking about something else when they had another case. He went to the hospital with Liv to talk to the victim. When they got there she was sedated, the doctor said she had a bad panic attack and she needed to rest. They did talk to her parents who tried but weren't very helpful.

It was almost 1 am when they got out of there and Liv's phone rang.

"Benson" she answered.

Nick looked at her for a moment, he wandered if it was another case. They were swamped and all he really wanted to do was to go home. Not to his home though, he spent the last two nights there because she was had a couple of days off and went to Atlanta. But he knew she should be back by now. He really missed her, he was surprised by how much he missed her though. They didn't get to talk since she left, and he realized she didn't even text him to say she was back. But he figured she had to be at home cause he knew when her flight was scheduled. He hoped this wasn't another case but he couldn't tell, Liv was mostly listening and the only thing she said was "okay" and "I see".

But then she said "we're on our way" and hung up.

"What is it?" Nick asked.

"It was Weiss from homicide, said they found a body and wants us to check it out".

"Did he say why this is a SVU case?"

"No, he just said we need to get there ASAP" Liv said and shrugged her shoulders "but I know Weiss, he's a good guy and wouldn't call if it wasn't important.

"Okay" Nick said "I'll follow you" he added and went towards his car. Since it was late they drove separately so they could go straight home from the hospital, but no such luck he thought.

The scene wasn't very far from the hospital, it was at the park and they had to walk a bit to get there. It was a bit secluded but they didn't have a problem finding it.

Weiss was there and he hurried to approach them before they could see what was going on.

"Benson, thanks for coming so fast" he said.

"Sure, I don't think you know detective Amaro" she said and Weiss shook Nick's hand.

"Nice to meet you" he said.

"So what's going on?" Nick asked.

"We found a body, looks like it's been here for at least a day, but the coroner is not here yet, so I can't be sure, but he's on his way and should be here soon" he said and looked at Liv and than at the location of the body.

"So why did you call us?" Nick asked, if the coroner wasn't there yet how could he be sure this was a SVU case. If the officer who got to the scene first thought she was raped he would probably call them.

"Well" he said, and for a moment it looked as if he didn't know what to say so Liv asked the question that was on both hers and Nick's mind.

"So you think she was raped or is she a victim from another case of ours?"

When he heard Liv's words he couldn't help but think about the girl they couldn't help.

"She's not one of your victims" Weiss said "look, I can't be sure but I think" he got quiet again for a second "I think its one of your detectives".

Nick and Liv looked at him with a look Weiss could not understand. He was in the force a long time, and he was in homicide for a long time but that moment you tell someone news like that never got easier, every reaction was different, but all of them were hard to take.

"Look" he said "before you see her, you need to understand that she was beaten up pretty bad, and we couldn't find an ID, so until the coroner arrives we can't be sure".

"But you think it's a detective?" Liv asked.

Weiss didn't answer, he just went towards the body and they followed him.

The body was lying on her side, she was dressed but the clothes were a bit turn. But that's not what they looked at.

Her face.

She had cuts and swollen bruises all over her face, her hair was dirty with mud and dry blood. It was clear why it wouldn't be ease to identify her, but it was also clear why Weiss called them.

Nick and Liv looked at each other. And Nick wanted nothing more than to say he was wrong, it wasn't her, it was someone else.

But he couldn't, he couldn't be sure that it wasn't Amanda.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own anything that Dick Wolf owns.

Thank you so much for the reviews. I really appreciate them.

* * *

He wasn't sure what he did next because he felt like he wasn't there, like it wasn't real. His hand reached his phone and he tried to call her but it went straight to voicemail. His thoughts got scattered, and for a moment he lost all sense of time, he looked at her for what seemed like hours.

"Nick" he heard Liv's voice pulling him back to reality and he looked at her "I'll go check her apartment" he said and she nodded.

"Alright, I'll wait for the coroner" she looked worried.

Nick knew what she was thinking, how could this happen? Was Amanda in trouble?

But Amanda seemed alright to Nick, he spent a lot of time with her this past few months and he would have noticed.

Or maybe she was really good at hiding it? Better than the last time, Nick tried to shake that thought as he sat in his car.

As he drove to her place he was thankful he drove there many times before, it felt automatic, and it was good because he felt like he could not concentrate on something like driving right now.

It felt like the road wasn't real, the buildings weren't there, everything was blurry and he realized he was crying. He could feel the tears running down, warm, was her body warm? He wondered, he knew better than to touch a body before the coroner arrived, but suddenly he couldn't remember if he did. Dead bodies are cold, he thought.

He felt like it was taking forever but he finally parked his car next to her building. When he was in the elevator he searched for the key.

She gave him the key few a weeks ago. She had to go to a scene very early and left him the key so he could lock the door when he left. He didn't give it back though, he liked having it even if he only used it that one time.

He was at her door.

But he couldn't go inside. Not seeing her there would mean it was over. She was gone. And he just couldn't accept that. He wanted to just leave, pretend nothing was happening. Pretend she wasn't dead.

He remembered another time he was standing at her door for a long time, after the whole ordeal with her being undercover, with Murphy.

* * *

That day he saw the look on her face when she stepped out of Liv's office. The tears in her eyes, the bruise on her cheekbone. He wanted to talk to her, but decided to wait. He left a short time after her and drove straight to her apartment.

She was surprised to see him but let him in anyway. He just stood there for a while. Frannie went over to him and he patted her.

"I'm sorry" ha said and looked at her.

"For what?" she asked as she walked towards the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. He just watched her as she drank and she offered him a glass but he shook his head.

"Just, for everything" he answered her question.

She looked at him and then down on the floor "what do you mean?" she asked, but knew she shouldn't have said that when she saw his look. She knew that he knew, she couldn't say that it was just an undercover operation "no" she looked at him "it's all on me, I screwed up so.."

Nick looked at her, she just stood there looking at him, and suddenly he didn't know what to say, he wasn't sure what he was doing there. All he knew he wanted to see her, didn't want her to cry, wanted to make things better. Yeah, she screwed up, but he had a bad feeling about how she was doing after the whole thing with Nate and he didn't try to talk to her, kept his distance until just a little while ago, when her friend from Loganville came to ask for her help. He saw it wasn't easy for her, when the kid tried to kill himself. She said people were counting on her, but he couldn't see, then, that she felt like she failed them. Things were getting clearer now, but it was almost too late. She almost lost her job.

And not only her job.

"You know" he started "I _am_ sorry, I'm sorry that I didn't do more when I thought you relapsed" she had a surprised look when he said these words.

"When we had that case and we had to go to Jersey, I mean…"

When he mentioned Jersey Amanda stopped listening, that was the Clare Wilson case, the one who spotted her at the club. Nick noticed she was somewhere else and got closer to her.

"Amanda, I just want you to know that I'm here, if you need to talk. Because you have a long road ahead of you and I don't want you get lost again."

She had the saddest smile he'd ever seen. He was very close to her now and just touched her hand a bit. She looked down at their hands.

She wasn't sure what to say, she wasn't sure what she was feeling, what she was thinking. Everything seemed bad and wrong. She got lucky.

And that was the problem.

The luck, she always wanted that, the good luck, the win, isn't that what anyone who gambles wants?

That feeling of winning something, of beating the odds.

It made her feel.

It made her feel something nothing else could. Even losing made her feel something, like she has something to blame. As if the only thing that was wrong was that a team lost, or she got the wrong card. And she couldn't control that, scores, cards. No, it wasn't her fault, it was something greater that decided who wins.

And sometimes it decided she is the one. Sometimes she won. And she knew she could win again. She will get lucky.

And here she was, standing in her kitchen. Very lucky to have her job, not to mention her life cause she could easily lose it. She suddenly hated that word, wished it could just disappear, and take her away too. Just standing there became too hard for her and she felt like she was about to fall down, not on the floor. She felt like she would fall through it and never land. She would just keep on falling forever.

And then she hugged Nick, without a warning, without saying anything. And he hugged her back, held her close to him.

He only let her go when he felt she was pulling away. She didn't look at him at first but then she smiled at him and he couldn't help it and smiled at her too.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked.

She looked into his eyes and just asked "what do you want to know?"

He wasn't sure what to ask though so for a moment he didn't say anything and they both just looked at each other.

"When did it start?" he finally said.

"After the thing with Nate" she answered, he figured that would be her reply.

"I'm sorry you got hurt" he said and was surprised when she shrugged her shoulders and said it wasn't the first time.

"I'm sorry _I_ hurt you" he said, she gave him a puzzled look but he didn't take it "you know what I'm talking about" he said.

He was right, she knew what he was talking about, and she was somewhat hurt, but mostly confused.

"You didn't hurt me Nick" she said, she wanted to say that that wasn't pain, but decided not to.

"So what happened?" he asked, he decided to let go of what happened between them back then, even though it was on his mind a lot.

"I don't know, I have a problem" she said that with a small smile but he knew that was her way of trying to make a big thing smaller. "I just couldn't stop myself. It was the only thing I wanted to do, the only thing that meant something, that felt like anything".

He was a bit taken aback by her honesty. On his way he was afraid she wouldn't talk to him and just say everything was fine. But it seemed like she was willing to share and he was glad.

"I know it's not true but that's how it feels" she added "I lost control, and the truth is, is felt good".

She didn't look at him when she said the last three words.

She wanted him to say something and she looked at him again. He wasn't sure what to say, he wanted her to keep talking, he wanted to be there for her. He knew he couldn't fix it, she needed more help than he could give, but he hoped she would take what he had to offer.

"Lets go sit down" he said, they've been standing there for a while now. She nodded and they went to the couch.

When they sat down Frannie followed them and got on the couch too. Amanda was glad she was there. She was the only one who never let her down.

Amanda told Nick about the operation a bit. How she was caught and how they gave her the assignments and how she couldn't do them but couldn't come clean.

"I was nowhere" she said, she realized, looking back now, that she was numb "and then he told me he was vice and he talked to Benson and I was working for him".

She wasn't sure about how to tell him about the moment she found out the truth about Murphy, but decided now was as bad as any "when I followed that woman, I just couldn't tell them about her and they knew I lied cause they were following me. I didn't want her to get hurt. I think maybe I realized that whatever they will ask me next would be worse, if they even asked, so I just…" it was hard for her to say, and she looked at Nick and then at Frannie "I offered him something I figured he'd want and wouldn't hurt anyone".

"Except you" Nick's voice was barely a whisper.

"It was too late for that" she paused for moment "he told me and we played it like it happened, kept on playing the roles. You know what happened next" she didn't want to talk about the rape, she couldn't find the words to express how she felt about it.

"So I got lucky" there was that word again and she wished she didn't use it.

Nick wasn't sure what to say, but he didn't have to say anything cause she kept talking and her openness surprised him.

"The thing with Nate, I was so angry at myself, because I trusted him. I liked him, you know" she looked at him "and I believed her and then I found out everyone were lying to me and I just didn't know why. I was trying to help and a man died, and everyone in that court room found out I was played and a man died because of that".

"It wasn't your fault Amanda" Nick said, a bit surprised by her words. Of course she felt bad about Nate and Lena but he had no idea she blamed her self for the murder.

"I didn't want to be used" she said, ignoring what he said "when I was younger my mom, she had affairs with men who used her, and I saw it and felt so bad for her, I promised myself I won't end up like that and I did."

"No, Amanda…"

"I tried so hard not to be like my mother that I ended up like my dad" she said, not letting him talk "I left her like he did, and I'm a gambler like he is" she looked away but he could see she had tears in her eyes "Funny thing is, I am just like her, he used me and I…" she couldn't say it, she knew he didn't know what she was talking about but she looked at him and he could see it in her eyes "so yeah, I got the worst parts of both of them."

Nick didn't know much about Amanda's parents. From what Kim told him it wasn't easy for them growing up with their mother who, from the little he understood, had a lot of problems.

"So I'm really screwed" she laughed a bit, but it was a bitter laugh.

"No you're not, it's not going to be easy but you can get better, you will, I know that".

She smiled at him, it wasn't bitter at all, it was a shy, but a happy smile "at least one of us is hopeful" she said.

"Amanda" he said, not sure how to continue, it seemed he lost his words. He looked straight into her eyes, she didn't move and looked back at him "I promise I would be here for you, you won't be alone this time, I will be as hopeful as you need until you feel the same."

"Yeah?" she asked quietly and he nodded.

Nothing happened that night, he gave her another hug and left. But he was true to his word. She went to meetings and they hung out a lot. Only talking at first, he talked about himself a lot too. And it was nice to share.

She told him more about her parents. They had her when they were young, only 18, and she said they didn't know what to do with her. They were fighting a lot, and eve as a little girl she felt something bad was going to happen. She tried to protect Kim from all of that, and it was easy cause she was little and didn't seem to care much.

She was close to her dad. She felt like her mom blamed her for everything that has happened since she was born, and it was easier to spend time with her dad. Back then she was curious about her dad's hobby, the gambling.

He explained that it was like magic, the hat is empty but then there's a rabbit in it. But there were no rabbits at the places he took them to when her mom was going crazy, as he put it. He left her and Kim in the car and gambled for what seemed forever to her. When he came back she asked about the rabbit and he always smiled and said that its magic.

They spent time together at other places too. Her sister was closer to their mom so Amanda and her dad spent a lot of time playing and running, he was the one who got her to like running.

And then one day he left. Her parents got a divorce a few weeks before and he was gone. She waited for him to come back. Her mom said that she should just give up, the bastard was gone. And even though Amanda didn't want to believe it she had no choice because he did not come back. She had no idea where he was and she wasn't going to look for him.

It was nice spending time together, and they slowly got more comfortable with each other, and he liked that. He spent a lot of time at her place, they talked and had dinner there sometimes, they even walked Frannie together occasionally.

One day he was there, he just finished washing the dishes after they ate and he looked at her, she was playing with Frannie, and he couldn't help himself. She looked at him as he got closer but didn't notice the look on his face "you didn't have to do that I…" she didn't get to finish the sentence cause his lips crushed on hers. She wasn't feeling bad about it, she liked the feeling of his lips on hers, and she let the kiss get dipper as she parted her lips and let his tongue in. They kissed for a while. He put his hands on her waist and pulled her closer.

They pulled away when they needed to breathe and she just smiled at him and he had to kiss her again. Her lips were so soft, and they felt so good against his. The kiss felt familiar but he ignored that thought, not wanting to remember the real first time they kissed, not because it was a bad one, but because of what he did after it. Right now he wanted to focus on this kiss, and how he didn't want to stop kissing her, ever.

* * *

When he finally opened the door that's what was on his mind. He would give anything to just kiss her again. The room was dark. He stood there for a while until his eyes got used to the darkness, for some reason he felt like he couldn't turn the lights on.

He looked around, everything was the same. He saw Frannie asleep in her big basket. Amanda said she will put her in a dog pension until she got back, it was only two days. So she probably didn't even leave, did she lie to him about going to Atlanta? Was she in trouble? How comes he didn't notice anything?

He made his way to the bedroom. It was a small apartment, and it didn't take long to get there. But right now it felt like miles. And suddenly he was in there.

He felt like he couldn't breathe.

Because she was there, she was in the bed, asleep. Not dead.

Not dead.

That's the only thing he could think about as he approached her.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own anything that Dick Wolf owns.

Again, I really appreciate the reviews. Thank you so much :)

This chapter is a bit shorter, but the next one will come soon.

Hope you like it.

* * *

Nick sat on the bed next to her, he could hear her breathing and felt such a relief, he could not describe it. He knew he had to let Liv know so he texted her. Liv answered fast and asked him to get her to the morgue. Nick figured Liv though she was awake or else she wouldn't have asked her to go to the morgue at this time.

But he just wanted to look at her for a while. It was dark but the curtain was open and some light came from outside so he could see her face. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful. He stroked her cheek softly. He could feel his eyes were tearing up a bit but he didn't care. After a short time he leaned and kissed her cheek.

He knew she was a light sleeper, as was he. Probably a trait of many in the police force. And he knew this could wake her up. He whispered her name close to her ear and she stirred a little. He saw her eyes open a bit and when she saw him she smiled.

"Hey" she whispered.

"Hey" he said and stroked her cheek again. He needed to ask her so many things and he needed to take her to the morgue but he couldn't do anything but touch her right now.

She just looked at him for a while, wasn't sure what was going on. Nick never watched her sleep. She wondered how he got in but then remembered the key. She didn't use the chain since she gave him the key, and she was a bit convinced he'd forgotten about it because he didn't use it. Until now. The thought made her smile again and she got up a bit. She leaned and gave him a kiss.

"Why didn't you call me when you got back?" he asked.

She bit her lip and smiled "I dropped my phone and it broke" he had a wired expression and she couldn't tell what he was thinking "I was going to get a new one in the morning" his expression didn't change though "sorry, you missed me?" she asked with a smile and he nodded.

"I missed you" he said and smiled, he felt his eyes tear up again, she noticed but didn't say anything "I need you to come with me somewhere."

"Now?" she asked, a bit confused.

"I'm sorry Amanda, but it's important."

"Okay" she said and got up slowly, she could see something was wrong "what is it?"

He wasn't sure what to answer so he didn't say anything.

"Where are we going?" she asked while she put on a pair of jeans.

Nick watched her getting dressed, what was he supposed to say, that they found a dead body who looks so much like her? But he knew he had to say something "the morgue".

He looked at her and she seemed confused "Nick" she asked and got closer to him "what's going on?"

It couldn't be a case cause she was on vacation until the morning and Nick wouldn't have looked so…she wasn't sure how he seemed to her, one moment he smiled at her and then he had tears in his eyes, and now he's taking her to the morgue.

"I missed you too, but I would rather have a homecoming here and not at the morgue" she gave him a huge smile and he smiled back. But then another though came up, the only reason for him to take her there right now was because they found someone, and there was only one person she thought about.

"Kim?" she said with a devastated voice.

Nick was caught off guard by the mention of Kim, but he should have known better. Of course she would think something like that since they were going to the morgue at almost 2 am. "No, Amanda" he got close to her and touched her shoulders "no, it's not that, I'm not sure how to explain it though" he said. Sure he could say the words but he didn't want to. He wished he just told Liv she was asleep so they could do this in the morning, so he could stay the night and just hold her close to him.

"Alright" she said when she was ready. He looked at her for a moment and knew there was something he needed to do before they left. He really wanted, needed, had to kiss her. And she was taken aback a bit by this sudden passionate kiss but she happily accepted it.

* * *

Liv met them at the morgue, she looked happy to see them and gave Amanda a hug which caught Amanda off guard. She wondered what was going on.

It didn't take long until she found out. They all went inside the room they knew so well and Olivia asked Amanda if she was ready, Amanda nodded but had no idea what she was suppose to by ready for.

But she understood everything when the blanket was removed.

She looked at the body on the table and could feel Nick and Olivia looking at her.

"Well, I think it's safe to say it's not me" she said, trying to sound fine but she was clearly shocked by the sight of someone who looked so much like her lying on that table. Dead.

Nick's behavior made sense now, and she thought it was sweet but she had to shake that thought right now.

"Do you know her" Olivia asked.

"No."

"She looks a lot like you" Olivia said, she knew she was stating the obvious but she had to say it.

"I don't know what to say" she looked at Olivia and then at Nick.

Then the coroner had a suggestion "you don't have a twin sister by any chance?" they all looked at him, not sure if he was joking or not.

"A twin I didn't know about?" Amanda said sarcastically "come on, there is no way my parents could hide something like that."

"In that case" the coroner said "maybe she just looks like you, it's not that uncommon. I'll call you with the results." He told Olivia.

"Call detective Weiss from homicide, it's his case" Olivia said, she thanked him.

"Rollins" the coroner called Amanda "if you want I can run a DNA test."

"Thank you but" she looked at the dead woman again "it's not necessary."

"Well if you change your mind you know where I am."

Olivia thanked her for coming so late and Nick said he'll drive her home. In the car he glanced at her a few times, he couldn't read her, mostly because she was looking through the window.

"You want to take that DNA test?" he asked, wanting to know what she was thinking.

"She's not my long lost twin Nick" she looked at him "come on." He smiled at her and they stayed silent the rest of the ride to her place.

When they got there Nick took a short shower. He realized he was very tired and the only thing he wanted to do right now was to sleep.

Amanda was already in bed when he got out of the shower and he joined her. He pulled her close and fell asleep instantly. She loved feeling his arms around her, and she knew he was asleep. But even though she was tired it was hard for her to fall asleep. No, she knew it wasn't some twin sister, but she still looked so much like her. And she knew it could have been her on that table. She was so close to losing everything. She scooted closer to Nick and closed her eyes. But it wasn't her. She was here with Nick and she was alright. She was lucky.

She really hated that word.


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own anything that Dick Wolf owns.

* * *

He realized he'd forgotten to ask her about Atlanta only when he got to the precinct. She was already there since he had to go to his place to change, and they couldn't get in together since no one knew about what was going on between them.

She was talking to Fin and he gritted them.

"Heard you found an Amanda look alike" Fin said to Nick, and she frowned at him. But Fin just smiled.

"I just got a call from the hospital" Olivia said when she stepped out of her office "the vic from last night is awake, Fin, Rollins, go talk to her".

Amanda and Fin left the station and drove to the hospital. Fin asked about her vacation and she said it was fine. She needed to see her mom because she was calling her a lot lately and Amanda wondered if something was going on. She was scared that she might find Kim there, but she wasn't there and her mom said she didn't know anything. Amanda wasn't sure whether she should believe her. She didn't want her sister to be locked in prison, but if she knew where she was hiding she'd had to report it. So she decided not knowing was the best thing.

When she got there it seemed like her mom only called her cause she was alone. So they spent sometime together, talked about not important things. And then Amanda left. A few hours early even.

She had a hard time being there. She loved her mother but she wasn't easy. She was a lot like Kim. Well, Kim was a lot like her. She loved attention, she loved drama, she was a hard person to please. And for a long time Amanda tried, since she was a kid. When she realized it was too much for her and tried to focus more on herself she didn't really know how to do that. And that was when she started gambling. It was simple at first, she loved sports so why not to gamble on a game or two.

But it was a game or two only at the beginning.

* * *

When they entered the room Jenny, their victim, was awake. They introduced themselves and asked if they could ask her some questions. She said yes but it was clear she had a hard time answering with Fin in the room. He left and Amanda could see Jenny felt better. She told her she was attacked on her way home from school. She was in a play and they had a rehearsal. It ended pretty late but she still decided to walk home. She felt bad about it but Amanda told her it was not her fault. She couldn't remember a lot about the attack. She said she didn't see the man and all she felt was pain, she didn't notice anything else. She apologized again and Amanda reassured her that it was fine. Amanda wrote everything down. Jenny looked tired and Amanda told her she should rest and left the room.

Fin was outside talking to her parents and he introduced her to them. They thanked her and entered Jenny's room.

"What did she say?"

"She said she was on her way home from school, she couldn't remember anything about the attacker though."

"The parents weren't much help either" Fin said "let's go back to the station."

They shared the little information they had with Nick an Olivia. They knew they had to wait for the rape kit, the doctor said they found fluids. And hopefully it will help them catch this guy.

Meanwhile Amanda's thoughts started drifting to the Jane Doe.

She went to the morgue and asked the coroner for that DNA test. She knew it was stupid but she had to do it anyway, he promised it would be discreet, no one would know about it and he will give the results only to her.

She still didn't feel at ease. And decided to pay a visit to detective Weiss. Nick told her he was the one who called them. They met a few times but she didn't know him very well.

He was at his desk when she arrived and he looked at her when she approached his desk.

"Detective Rollins" he got up to shake her hand "how are you doing, you gave us quite a scare last night."

"Well it wasn't me" she smiled.

"I know, we got lucky with her prints. Why don't you sit down" he gestured at the chair next to his desk "I'll fill you in."

Amanda sat down and he handed her the file. Ashley Rice. Amanda looked at the picture in the file. That woman looked so much like her in the morgue, but seeing her like this, without bruises, she could tell there were many differences, even thought she still resembled her a lot.

"Ms. Rice here has a record. And that's how we found her."

"What did she do?" Amanda asked.

"Well, we're not sure why yet, but she had some sort of a melt down on a plane. It wasn't too long ago. Here's the report" he handed her a piece of paper and she read it.

"It seemed like she tried to attack a passenger"

"Any suspects?"

"Not the guy from the plane, he lives in Texas and wasn't in New York lately. We're looking at her acquaintances but she doesn't have many. She moved here less than six months ago"

"Oh" Amanda said "well if I there's anything I can do let me know"

"Of course" Weiss smiled at her and then waved to someone behind her. It was his partner, Harris. He was older and Amanda figured he must be close to retirement.

Weiss introduced them to each other and asked how it went with the Ashley's friend

"Okay " Harris said "she told me Ashley lost her parents not long before the flight and she had a hard time coping"

Amanda thanked them for sharing and they promised to keep her in the loop.

* * *

Later that day Amanda and Nick were at her apartment. They already ate and Amanda told him about her visit to homicide.

"I hope they figure it out soon" she said and Nick nodded.

"So how was your vacation?" he asked, they didn't have anytime to talk about it and he really wanted to know. But from the look on her face he knew she wouldn't say much.

And he was right, all she said was "it was fine, I don't know" she really didn't want to talk about it.

She didn't want to talk at all. So she got closer to him and touched his chest gently, just looked at him and bit her lip a bit, he loved it when she did that and couldn't help but smile at her.

"Did you miss me?" she asked.

"I really missed you" he said and kissed her. It was meant to be a light kiss but once their lips touched he just couldn't let her go. He pulled her close and felt her melting in to him. They loved teasing each other sometimes but right now both wanted to be as close to the other as possible.

When he felt the need to breath he let her mouth go. He took a breath and then kissed her neck. She loved feeling his lips on her and she closed her eyes and let her hands wander all over his back. He got back to her mouth and pulled her up a bit so he could carry her to the bedroom.

Amanda woke up with a smile on her face. She loved waking up in Nick's arms. It made her feel like she was at the right place, like everything was alright. It was calming.

She loved that.

She realized she loved many things when it came to Nick. Sleeping with him, waking up with him, talking to him, looking at him, standing next to him. The thought made her smile. She felt like she was having some teenage crush. But it wasn't a crush. She had to admit to herself she loved Nick. Did he love her? She hoped he did. He didn't say it but she didn't say it to him either. But Nick wouldn't be there with her if he didn't feel something. And she felt like she could trust him.

It wasn't easy for her though. She had trust issues as it is and with everything she'd been through with her sister she really wanted to trust someone. But she already trusted the wrong people before.

After her sister disappeared she tried to move on, but it wasn't easy. Work didn't get easier, the cases were tough and she took it badly when one of the victims killed herself. She knew it wasn't her fault but she couldn't help it, she blamed herself.

And than she got shot.

And that was like nothing she'd ever felt before. The pain was sharp and seeing all that blood, knowing it came from her. She felt so tired and all she wanted was to fall asleep, but she wasn't sure if she could wake up.

She adopted Frannie after that, her thoughts scared her and she didn't want to be alone. She thought she was doing better. She held it together during the Lewis ordeal and even after that.

But it wasn't easy for her when they had the case with that music teacher. She couldn't explain it, but she believed him, it seemed like she was the only one and suddenly she felt so alone. And it upset her.

She was so angry at her coworkers, at herself.

She didn't know it then, but she was already on the edge.

And then Nick kissed her.

It was after the case with Amelia Albers, the Coast Guard officer. She felt bad for suggesting Nick to ask Maria for help because they were not supposed to use it. But they won the case and she felt better.

She was walking Frannie later that night and Nick spotted her.

"Rollins" he called and she looked at him as he approached her.

"Hey" she said "taking a walk?" she didn't know what else to say. She walked this route every day and this was the first time she saw Nick there.

"Yeah, well Maria and Zara just left and I didn't feel like going back home yet so I just let my feet carry me" He smiled.

"Nick, I'm sorry about the file"

"It's fine, none of us knew and it's not like it didn't help so…"

Amanda wasn't sure what to say, but Frannie was getting restless so she asked Nick if he wanted to walk with them for a while.

"So how are they doing in DC?" she asked him.

"Good I guess, Zara is happy to spend time with her mom but I miss her"

She knew Nick was a good dad, being far from his daughter wasn't easy for him. For a moment she thought about her dad, and how easy it was for him to be away from her. It's been so long but she still remembered how it felt to wait for him.

"I'm sure she misses you too. She's a great kid" Amanda smiled.

"Yeah" he sighed.

He really missed Zara. He didn't want to be away from her, but he couldn't leave New York. He tried to see her as much as he could, talked to her almost every night.

And she really was a great kid, she accepted Gil so easily into her life. She was just happy to have a brother. And Nick tried his hardest to be a good father to him. It wasn't easy, not because Gil was giving him a hard time, no, that kid was excited to find out he has a dad. It was hard on Nick, reminded him of his father. He didn't miss him at all, he hurt his mother too much to ever be forgiven, but the fact he did that to her and abandoned them hurt.

He didn't want to be like that, to abandon his child. But he felt like he did. And no reason was good enough.

Cynthia and he decided to leave the past behind for Gil's sake and it was easier for all of them. Maria wasn't thrilled but didn't say too much about it. His mom was glad, she always said she wanted many grandchildren. Nick was pretty sure he didn't have anymore kids out there.

The thought made him chuckle and Amanda gave him a curious look.

"What?" she asked but he shook his head.

They talked about something after that, just everyday things, he was happy not to talk about work. And it was easy to talk to her. She was smart and funny, and he couldn't deny she was beautiful.

After a while she said it was late and they should be heading home. He nodded but they both just stood there for a moment. And he felt like something he couldn't explain, a knot in his stomach, but it didn't feel bad, it felt good. He didn't realize what he was doing until he felt his lips on hers.

She was surprised. She did not expect him to kiss her. She wasn't blind, Nick was a very handsome man. But he was married and they were just friends, not even good friends at the beginning, like she was with Fin.

But here they were. Kissing.

And she didn't really want to think about anything else. Her lip parted and she felt his tongue, she welcomed it. It felt good.

But then something happened and Nick pulled away. She wanted to kiss him again and leaned in a bit, but then she saw the look on his face, he had a shameful look.

"I'm sorry" he said "I shouldn't have done that, it was a mistake"

She wanted to say it was okay but he looked almost scared, he apologized again and then left. Amanda just stared at him. Was kissing her that bad?

She went home feeling upset.

Nick felt upset too, he wasn't sure what came over him, kissing her like that. They worked together, she was a good detective. But he couldn't just kiss her. He could still feel her lips though. And the feeling lasted for a long time.

The next day he apologized again, but she told him to just forget about it. It was a mistake and they were cool.

But it wasn't true.

She didn't admit it, but it hurt. She felt rejected, and she was angry at herself for feeling that. A couple of days later she was at the meeting with Nate, and he was good to her, and it didn't even seem like a big deal to sleep with him.

And even though they both thought it wasn't a very good idea they didn't stop. Not until she found out the truth.

And that was it.

Sitting at the table, looking at the cards she felt the familiar rush. "Hit me" she said and she couldn't stop. She started losing, and she was lost.

Nick felt bad, but it wasn't about kissing her anymore, it was about how he handled it. He wished he could just go back in time and never pull away from her. But she didn't seem to care, she seemed distant.

That day in the bunks, she was so close to him, and all he wanted to do was to kiss her again. Instead he tried to warn her about Nate, but she got defensive so he just let it go, but he couldn't deny he was hurt by the things she said.

He didn't talk to her about it after that. She offered him an awkward apology in Cragen's office and he took it. But he could tell she wasn't the same.

He had to focus on himself after Lewis's trial. He shot a kid and felt like everything was crushing down on him. He promised himself that he will fix it and try to get his old life back, he will reconcile with Maria and everything would be back to the way it was. And while he was only making things worst with Maria, Amanda was making things worst for herself.

He could tell something was wrong, but it seemed no one else wanted to believe him. She didn't want his help, and he couldn't help her.

Amanda was sinking.

Sometimes she felt literally out of breath. She needed it, to place a bet, wait for the game to finish, for the card to appear. For the magic.

She knew they were suspicious so she tried harder to hide it. And she thought she did pretty well, Nick let everything go.

When that young girl, Avery, asked her if someone was willing to die for her she had to say no. She felt like there was no one who would do anything for her.

It was tough after that.

When Larry Jones came looking for her, she wanted so bad to help him. She was thankful to Nick for helping her out, even though she wasn't sure why he did that.

But she failed. Sure, the charges were dropped and they arrested the coach, but Cedric almost died and he couldn't play football anymore.

She drowned.

She didn't realize it yet, because she won some money and gave Nate back the money he lent her. She slept with him before she did it just to prove to him she didn't do it as a thank you, she wanted to blow off some steam.

But she was in deep water and she had no air.


	5. Chapter 5

I don't own anything that Dick Wolf owns.

* * *

The investigation of Jenny's rape was going well. They got the results of the rape kit and they found a DNA match.

Barba was at the precinct and he seemed pleased with their work. He said that when they did a good job it made his work easier.

And Amanda got the call from the coroner. She knew there wouldn't be a match but she had to admit it felt good to have an official confirmation.

She told Weiss about it when he asked her if she wanted to come by, they had a lead in the case.

"So I hear we don't have a parent trap situation" Harris said when he saw her.

Weiss seemed a bit annoyed by his comment but Amanda just smiled.

"What did you find?" she asked.

"Well, we found her boyfriend" Weiss said.

"A real douche" Harris added.

"You think he has anything to do with her murder?" Amanda asked.

"Probably everything."

"Not probably" Harris said "she was new here, didn't know anyone. Didn't have friends."

'Her landlord told us about her boyfriend, Stevie" Harris gave her a picture of the guy. "We got in touch with a friend of hers from her home town and she is on her way."

"But we already know Stevie is behind this" Harris said "he's not the smartest of men, but the problem is we don't have anything to tie him to it".

Harris's phone rang and he answered "thanks for letting me know" he said and looked at Amanda "the friend is here, you want to watch the interview?" Amanda nodded.

Her name was Alison, she knew Ashley for more than 10 years. She looked rattled by Ashley's death and stopped talking more than once when she couldn't control the tears.

She told them Ashley decided to move to New York for a fresh start. She had a hard time after her parents died. She told them about the flight incident, how it was nothing like her. She didn't know a lot about the boyfriend though. All Ashley told her was that it was nice to have someone.

Amanda could relate. It wasn't easy to have no one, to be alone in this place. She could understand why she wanted to be with just anyone.

Harris escorted Alison outside and explained how she could claim the body.

Weiss went to the other room were Amanda was standing "it doesn't get any easier" he smiled at her "it's a good thing, but sometimes I think it would be easier not to care."

"I know what you mean" she agreed.

"We're going to follow Mr. douchebag for a while, see if he can give us a probable cause."

Harris joined them in the room "you want to get going?" he asked Weiss "I hope we find something, I'd love to get this jerk. He's the worst kind of stupid, you know?" he looked at Amanda "I'm sure you met enough of them at SVU, the smart stupid. Talks like he's a cartoon but knows enough not to say anything that will get him in trouble."

She could see Harris was upset by this, and she understood him. Sometimes you had a suspect you were sure was going to get himself in trouble in the interrogation room but somehow manages not to slip. She hated that.

"The guy is so high most of the time, I don't know how he manages to do it" Harris added.

"Well, maybe we could use it to our advantage" Amanda heard herself say, she wasn't sure it was a good idea but maybe it could work "maybe he didn't kill her, he couldn't kill her if she was still alive."

* * *

Nick wasn't sure what to say when she told him. He saw the body, he saw what he did to her. If they were right about this guy it was a very dangerous idea. And he was worried, he didn't want her to get hurt.

She smiled at him when she saw the look on his face "What?" he asked with a smile.

"You're cute when you're worried"

"You think I'm worried?"

"I think you're cute"

Her words made him smile "just try to stay safe" he said seriously "promise me"

"I will" she reassured him "I promise"

He knew she meant it, but he couldn't help but worry. How could he not be, he saw her lying on the ground. And sure, it wasn't Amanda, but what if it won't work. Things can go wrong. And when operations like that go wrong…

Amanda knew Nick didn't like it. But she had to do it. She couldn't let this guy walk.

She kissed Nick on his cheek and he pulled her in for a hug.

"You drive me crazy Amanda" he whispered "I love you"

* * *

A few days later she was at homicide again, their captain thanked her for coming and they talked about how she should play it.

Weiss and Harris followed the guy most of the day, and he was, ah Harris put it, higher than the highest kite. Alison gave them some pictures so Amanda tried to dress like her. Ashley was younger than her and it looked like she loved make up so Amanda tried her best with that too.

They drove to his apartment. They already had a warrant, but they couldn't find anything in the apartment when they searched it earlier in the investigation. But that meant she could wait inside. She didn't have to wait a long time.

Stevie entered the apartment, he was humming something she couldn't understand.

"Hey honey" she said when he went to the living room but he didn't seem to notice and went to the bedroom. But a moment later he came back and looked at her "Ashley?" he asked.

"How was your day honey?" she couldn't really hide her accent but she hoped he won't notice. He did look a bit pale.

"What are you doing here?" he asked as he approached her. She just smiled "You can't be here"

"What are you talking about?" she asked with a smile.

He looked confused "what day is it today?" he asked her.

"Tuesday" she answered.

He just walked around for a while, looking at her once in a while, she tried to look like she didn't know what was going on.

"No way" he said "this is not real" he pinched himself and looked at her "it's pinching that wakes you up, no?"

She wanted to laugh, but she knew better. He killed someone once, he could to it again.

"Honey, I think you should smoke a bit less, you don't look so good"

"Bitch, that's why I killed you the first time" he said, but it was quiet and Amanda wasn't sure if it was enough. Any lawyer could say this wasn't a confession.

"What are you talking about honey?"

"Enough with the honey, damn it woman! I can't get rid of you?" he went to the bedroom but returned quickly. He was holding something.

"Look at it!" he said, it was some kind of a metal pipe, he got closer to her and showed it to her "it's your blood, _honey_, I think" he lifted it a bit but then lowered it again "or maybe it's mine" he laughed.

Amanda just looked at him, she didn't want to interrupt his rumbling.

But suddenly he just lashed at her with the pipe.

But Amanda wasn't rattled by him, she expected him to try something like that and when he was close enough she hit him. He fell on the floor and that's when the other detectives went in to the apartment.

"You okay?" Weiss asked.

Amanda nodded "looks like this is the weapon"

"I'll get CSU in here" he said as he dialed his phone.

* * *

It went better than she expected.

After a few days they got the results from the lab and the blood on the pipe was a match to Ashley. After they confronted him with that he just said they couldn't charge him for murder of someone who was still alive. But he admitted to beating her up.

It felt good to catch this guy. And Weiss asked her to come by the next day because they had some more paperwork to do.

She was busy the whole morning, and didn't get a chance to get there. And she told Weiss she would be busy most of the afternoon as well, she didn't say she had a GA meeting, but she said it was something she couldn't cancel. He said it was fine, she could come later. It was important.

* * *

I hope the part where Amanda plays Ashley wasn't totally bad, I struggled with it but decided to just let it be after a while.

The story is coming to an end soon. I hope you like it.


	6. Chapter 6

I don't own anything that Dick Wolf owns.

* * *

The meeting was going well. Amanda had a lot on her mind and she was glad to have the chance to talk about it.

"Most of the time I feel like I'm doing better" she said "I'm trying, but I'm scared. I mean, an addiction is forever, I'm always going to be an addict, and I don't know how to handle it. If I had a drinking problem then I'm not supposed to drink. But where is the line between gambling and making decisions, choosing. I remember having high cards and I still chose to go on. What if I can stop gambling on games but not on my life?"

Amanda knew she had a reckless side. She put herself in danger at work more than once. And even though it was for good reasons, it was still a gamble. Like this case, being alone with a dangerous suspect, was that a gamble?

The thought was still on her mind as she made her way to homicide. This was part of her job, and she loved being a detective, she was good at it and she knew she made a difference. But she also knew she must be careful. She can't relapse again.

* * *

Weiss was at his desk when she came in. he smiled at her and got up.

"Thanks for coming Rollins" he said.

"Sure, no problem, you wanted me to fill some paperwork?"

"Oh, well, we can do that later, I actually called you because the captain wanted to have a word with you"

Amanda followed him to the captain's office. He was looking at some file but put it down when he saw them.

"Rollins, thank you for coming, sit down" he gestured at the chair.

"How can I help captain?" she asked.

"I wanted to thank you for your help. You did a great job and if it wasn't for you then we might have not been able to arrest the guy"

"It was my pleasure" she smiled.

"I don't know if you know this, but detective Harris is retiring soon" Amanda nodded and he continued "how would you like to replace him?"

* * *

Amanda stood at Nick's door. They didn't spend a lot of time there because she felt a bit awkward with it being the house he once shared with his ex wife. But right now she really needed to see him.

The captain told her she needed to make a decision soon, very soon. And she was confused. She though about what she said at the meeting. Did it feel like a gamble?

Nick opened the door and smiled at her "hey" he said and let her in "how was the meeting?"

"It was okay, you had that thing at Gil's school right? The concert?"

"It was nice, you know how these things are" he smiled at her and she shook her head.

"Not really" she said with a smile.

He could see she had something on her mind and she smiled when he asked her what's going on.

"After the meeting I had to go to homicide, they said I had to fill some paperwork"

"It couldn't wait till tomorrow?" He interrupted.

"Turns out it's not why they asked me there" she ignored his tone, which was bit on the doubtful side "they offered me a job"

"What?"

"Harris is retiring and they offered me to transfer there, to replace him"

"Leave SVU?" he asked and she nodded "I don't know what to say"

"Yeah, that's what I said. I really wanted to tell you before I even think about it"

Nick wasn't sure what to say, a part of him was happy for her but a part of him was scared, he wasn't sure why though.

"You're a good detective so I'm not surprised they offered it to you" he said with a smile "what are you thinking?" he asked when she started pacing around the room a bit.

She looked at him and sat down on the couch. He joined her and sat close to her.

"I'm kind of scared of making a decision" she said quietly and looked at him with a nervous expression.

"What do you mean?"

She shrugged "I don't know, I mean, it's an exciting offer, but…" she wasn't sure how to say it.

He didn't push her, he could see something was going on so he gave her time and just took her hand and squeezed it gently, it worked because she looked at him and just said it.

"I'm afraid it's a gamble"

"But it isn't" the words came out of him without even thinking about it, when she didn't say anything he kept talking "Amanda, you can't just not make any decisions because you don't know what the outcome will be"

He was right, and she wasn't talking about every decision. Her mind drifted to one incident, she didn't tell Nick about it, even though it had everything to do with him. She basically blackmail Wilkes's wife. Wasn't that a gamble? It could have gone completely different.

"No, you're right" she said. And then she just told him about it. How she chatted with Wilkes and how she went to talk to his wife.

Nick was shocked, he had no idea, all of this time he wondered what made Wilkes change his mind. Suddenly he understood what Amanda was talking about.

"Amanda, I don't know what to say, the only thing that comes to mind is that you saved me, and it's true, I don't know if I would have made it if…" she smiled at him "you know" he continued "if you'd ask me if you should do it I would have said no way, and it was dangerous and you could have been in so much trouble if it didn't work. But Amanda…" he grubbed both of her hands and looked into her eyes "I trust you, you can tell the difference, and I promise you won't have to bail me out ever again" he kissed her, and she didn't care who's house it used to be.

* * *

When Amanda woke up in the morning she felt calm. She kissed Nick's back and he mumbled something so she just moved to his neck till he turned around and kissed her lips.

But they had to get out of bed at some point even though it was Saturday. He drove her to her place and they spent most of the day there.

"I think I'm going to take it" Amanda said, they were having dinner while watching something on TV.

"What?" he asked, not sure what she was talking about.

"The job, move to homicide, I think it will be good for me. Some sort of a fresh start, and it could be good for us" she smiled "if we don't work together we don't have to hide this"

"I don't want to hide _this_" he smiled, he liked the thought of being a normal couple, not having to worry if someone sees them together.

"Neither do I" she said and kissed him.

Nick was right, she thought, this didn't seem like a gamble. It felt like the right thing to do. Everything felt in place. And she felt like everything was going to be alright.

-The end-

_Thank you for reading the story._

_I hope I was able to show Amanda's pain which lead to her behavior in "Gambler's fallacy". I was surprised so many people hated her so much after that._

_And I hope the Nick-Amanda relationship thing made sense. That's how I think they got together. And I hope they aren't planning to do something bad with that next season. If Nick hurts her I'm going to write a fanfic where he dies a slow and painful death __._

_Please tell me what you thought about the story, I'd really appreciate it. _

_I'm wandering whether I should write a sequel. Let me know if you'd like that._


End file.
